Mr. Pud & CC

Requiescat in pace

2007-08-09T12:51:00.001-07:00

BigKitty is very sad. She is very sad to have to tell everyone that Mr. Pud is gone away. He passed away last week, very suddenly. Dear Mr. P had been sick for some time, but he hid it from his BigKitty and she didn't know. It happened very fast, and was painless for Pud, who took some anesthesia for an x-ray and just didn't wake up.

LaurCat said one time that Mr. Pud is a goodly cat, and he was that. BigKitty told him he was the best cat ever. And she meant it. From Chicago, to Indiana, back to Chicago and then to upstate New York, and then further to far upstate New York, Mr. Pud was BigKitty's companion. He took long road trips with her - up to 14 hours at a time - to visit GranCat and all the family. He would nap in the back seat all day and then watch the headlights drive by as he lay in the back window. People would drive by when it was still light, look hard and point, like they'd never seen a cat before.

Pud endured all of grad school, a divorce, the first year of two jobs, a visiting cat from Uzbekistan, Gran's dogs, airplane rides, the horror of the vet's office, the kitty cat motel, tail bites from one of Gran's cats (that's you, Emily!), the intrusion of Beatrice kitten and even going on diets for weight loss. He gave back as good as he got with barfs, poops, marking, shredding, the occasional chewing of electrical cords, howling to be let outside, stealing food and the not infrequent midnight ramble through the apartment and over and around BigKitty's sleepy head. He was a goodly cat, the best cat ever, and he was loving and sweet and gave all the love he got back with extra.

BigKitty has cried and cried, she misses Pud so much. Little Bea and her foster sisters play and make her laugh, and that helps, but at night she wishes the Pudness was sacking out with her for a good night's sleep. Little dust bunnies of Pud-fur drift across the floor and remind her he is gone.

Little Pud, I hope you are in a good, happy place, where your bowl overflows with crunchies every day and you can eat all you want and gain not an ounce. I hope there are many scritchies and good long naps in the warm sunshine.

Goodbye, Mr. Pud, a piece of my heart goes with you.

Spiraling into disaster, Part II

2007-07-29T15:13:00.000-07:00

True believers: here is what I can tell you now about my super secret mission in rural upstate New York. I now understand that I have been posted here by The Company to observe the behavior of the domestic tabby out of her natural habitat. My subjects are young female cats between the ages of 4 months and 2 years. [all the following in David Attenborough voice] Ranging in size from about 6 to 9 pounds, these tabbies are prime specimens of the neurotic cat in captivity. They engage in a variety of bizarre behaviors, including the aforementioned "chase you/me/all 'It'" behavior. These neurosis may result from the captivity in the "house" environment, in which the tabbies are not allowed to roam about freely Outside. I, however, am granted this privilege.

The youngest, whom you have already met (Beatrice; alias: The Runt) has recently added the following pattern to her routine: burrowing in the box springs of BigKitty's mattress. Because BigKitty had to saw her box springs in half to get get it upstairs, there is now a large rip in the fabric on the side. Beatrice enters through this rip and frolics about inside making numerous odd bumping noises. The second youngest cat, the newcomer Artemis (alias: Tiny) also enters the box springs from this rip and gambols about. The oldest of the three, Arasi Verdandi (alias: unknown), does not engage in this practice, but she is known to perch on top of the box springs that is upended in the dining room and sleep there. Beatrice is now mimicking this behavior; clearly demonstrating that the young may learn from unrelated, older cats.

This is only some of the information I have gathered for my initial report. Other, confidential information may be revealed later, but for reasons of national security, this info must be kept under wraps at this time. Let's hear it for truth, justice and the American way! Hi-ho Silver! Away!

Spiraling into disaster

2007-07-23T12:34:00.000-07:00

True believers, you won't believe what I have to tell you now. It is a very, very long story. It'll take me a while to get through the whole thing, and I may have to tell it over several days. BigKitty is monopolizing the computer these days, so I have a hard time gettin' my time on it. But there are other reasons why it's difficult. Three main reasons, actually. Those three reasons are the three other cats I am currently living with.

That's right, you read that correctly - THREE, tres, trois, drei, 3 Other CATS!!!!!!!!!

I am dumbstruck, flabbergasted, bowled over and blown away. What the hell did I do to deserve this? You guys will already know about The Runt (aka Beatrice), who came to live with us a few months ago. However, now we are living in a new territory, where the other two cats already live. Both are young and female, and I've met them before. They used to live with AL (Archana and Layne). In fact, I think this may have been where AL lived, cause it smells kinda like them in some places. Most of it smells like our stuff, of course. And where it doesn't I make sure it smells like ME (ha ha ha).

Anyway, the other two cats are pretty mad that we're here. Tough shit, though. One of them spends a lot of time hiding and she runs away when she sees me. The other one seems to think that this is Her Territory. She's instigated a fracas or two with me and tried to tell me she's boss. We'll just see about that! In the meantime, I get to sleep in BigKitty's bed anytime I want and that bitch orange tabby doesn't.

That's all I can tell you for now - more to come later. I'll have to see if I can get some pics.

Feeling crappy

2007-07-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

Oh crapazilla, I feel sick again. I was sick at AL’s (Archana and Layne’s) and they gave me meds – which I consumed VERY reluctantly. Now I feel like shit again. Same thing as before. And BigKitty is relentless with the meds! I want to bite her, grrr. But I don’t, just scratch her up a little bit. She rolls me up in a big flannel sheet and forces that pink goo into my mouth. Bleah! To add insult to injury, she makes fun of my undignified state! When I’m rolled up she says I’m a big Puddy Burrito. So I scratch her some more, the merciless bitch. Hrummph. I’m going to go sit in the tall grass behind the neighbor’s garage. And sulk.

Outside

2007-06-27T07:32:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I stayed outside until after dark! It was super exciting, dudes! I was like a big lion, hunting on the veldt! There were noises and buggies and grass and shit. Awesome! BigKitty came looking for me but I hid where she couldn't see me.

I thought about staying outside all night, but when I realized I wanted some chow, I came inside. A cat's gotta have his grub, ya' know.

not playing

2007-06-25T04:50:00.000-07:00

No, man, I wasn't playing with Bea. I wasn't playing with her. Maybe it just looked like I was. Granted my paws were dangling off the edge of the chair, and yeah maybe she was rolled over on her back batting at me...but we weren't playing. Nopers. Not a chance.

Wasted

2007-06-21T12:56:00.001-07:00

Oh man, what was in that food BigKitty gave me? I thought it tasted a little off. Wow, there are giant, zig-zag something or others dancing around the kitchen. And the room is slowly turning. But I feel sooo....calm....dooodddddd

Romping

2007-06-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Love my cat tree, cat tree.
Happy as I can be, can be.

Hanging upside down
Flingin' this ribbon aroun'.

What fresh hell is this?!

2007-05-19T06:50:00.000-07:00

I am appalled. Devestated. Overcome. BigKitty has left me and newlittlecat in a strange house. There are two other cats here and two Bigs. Words cannot express my emotional state. Actually, maybe they can. I am damned grouchy! When I realized BigKitty was going to abandon me in this unknown territory, I bit her several times - because she deserved it, the bitch.

I've met the Bigs before but not the cats. It is good to know the Bigs, but I have no idea about the two cats. One spent the first few hours hiding under the stove, but the other one seems to be a different story. She may be the one in charge around here. We'll have to see what happens there.

Newlittlecat - we're calling her Beatrice now - is oblivious to the whole thing. All she does is find a toy and play. Occasionally she stops to look at one of the other cats, but not for long. She's all toy play toy play toy play. Just like alwasys.

I'm pretty sure this is going to be a serious adventure. I'm pretty pissed off. Have to bite somebody soon. Just wait til BigKitty comes back. She's going to be sooooorrry.

Things I don't understand #3

2007-05-09T17:14:00.000-07:00

Newlittlecat is very cute. Not as cute as me, you understand. That would defy the laws of physics. But cute, nonetheless. So what I don't understand is why BigKitty can't decide on a name for her. BigKitty has a mental problem.

OMG!! Look what I found!

2007-05-04T16:26:00.000-07:00

Can I keep it? Please? I found it outside. CanIkeepit?!? pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?

And I will love him and squeeze him and call him "George."

I love your boo-tocks

2007-04-30T17:22:00.000-07:00

Bliss.

Mr. Rodgers

2007-04-24T06:29:00.000-07:00

This is definitely one of those Sesame Street/Mr. Rodgers/Children's Playhouse moments about sharing. I'll just remain calm. Calm.

yeah, so....

2007-04-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

I think I can deal with the new cat. I'm not entirely sure about that, but I'm feeling like things are going to be okay. That said, newlittlecat has some, well, let's just say, behavioral issues. Like she bites my tail All the Time. Jesus. Far more serious, than that, even than THAT, she...she... tried..to..to..to EAT from my BOWL! Goddammitalltohell Mr Pud does not share food!!!!!

Okay, I'm okay, it's all good. All good. I think she knows now that I don't share food. Popping her upside the head seems to have worked. Maybe. She just ran in front of me a few minutes ago and got to the crunchies before I did. But BigKitty put her in front of her own bowl, so that turned out alright. She's just so damned relentless.

I have to lie down.

Egregious

2007-04-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

The newlittlecat has been playing with my tail! My tail-o! The same tail-o that was injured a few months back, I might add. She even bit it! I growled and hissed at her twice, but when she wouldn't stop I had to get up and go in the other room.

I'm going to go sleep in the room she's been sleeping in so she'll know I'm the boss around here.

Hrummpf.

Intruder Alert!

2007-04-13T04:12:00.000-07:00

There is a very small cat in the house. BigKitty brought it home yesterday. It is IN MY SPACE!

I am very confused.

This morning it growled at me. I just looked at it. Then it played. For like...half an hour.

I am not sure about all this.

I wish I could smell its butt.

Rumor has it...

2007-04-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

Rumor has it that Molé has returned to the inside of the house. I was talking with BigKitty yesterday and she said Molé had gotten close enough for LaurCat to grab her. Odds are she wanted to come in anyway. I'm looking forward to hearing about her adventures. BigKitty never lets me stay outside very long.

I bet Cous Cous is really pissed too. I think that's pretty funny. Hey, Lalla CC, I got two words for ya': Ha Ha.

Lalla CC CSI: The Zombie is GONE

2007-03-29T07:34:00.000-07:00

Poor Jolie. I see she understands we are happier without the zombie creature. Jolie and Lalla CC, alone. But I see she worries that the zombie will come back. She is afraid the zombie will come back and destroy our peaceable companionship. Everyday she goes outside calling to the zombie creature. She contacted Zombie Control. They gave her a special zombie trap. She does not need to do that. She does not understand that I have banished it with my spells. It it under the porch. It will not come back.

Lalla CC CSI: Expelling the Zombie

2007-03-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

I had been waiting patiently. I would rid our lives of the zombie creature. My Chinese spells were written on the yellow sticky paper. I tried to tell Jolie. Jolie never listens. When I put the spell on the zombie creature's forehead it will become agitated. It will run away from the house! But it cannot run away unless it can get out. Everyday I said to Jolie, "Open the Window!" I sat in front of the window and said it again, and again, and again. She opened the window for a second or two, but then closed it again. I know it is cold out, but there is a zombie in the house. Jolie is so trusting. She does not think the creature will attack her again. Yesterday, Jolie finally opened the window and left it open. She understood. She is so sensitive. She left the house right away. I know she did not want to see the creature expelled. I will take care of everything. After she left, I pretended to want to play with the zombie. I chased it into the bedroom and under the bed. I chased it right to where I had hidden the spells! I caught it and held it down. I was careful that it did not bite me. It submitted to me. It knew its time was over. I stuck the spells on its forehead. It began to squirm underneath me. I moved back to release it. It ran from under the bed right out the window! It worked! Jolie would be so happy.

When Jolie came back late that night, she called for me and the creature. She is losing her mind. She is too delicate. She knows what I was doing. She cannot admit to herself that she left the window open. She looked everywhere for the creature. I followed her. I purred very loudly so she would know we are all safe now. Jolie said, "Where is Molé? Did she go outside? Is that why you are happy?" Jolie was upset. I let her be upset. I want to protect her. She cannot admit the truth right now. She went outside and called for the creature. Jolie, it will not come back. I have expelled it. Jolie finally went to sleep. When she woke up she called for the creature again. But it was gone. Jolie keeps calling for it, even now. But it is gone. Jolie will only love me now.

Uptight bitch

2007-03-16T17:23:00.000-07:00

God, CC, you are so snooty sometimes. You didn't like my smell - I got the message already! Get over it. I've seen you lick your ass, you uppity kitty. You're so, "ooooo, I'm a Muslim, I am so special I don't eat swine" Overly legalistic bullshit. Retard, you don't know what you're missing.

Besides, I hear that you like the smell of dead sheep. That you like rolling on dead sheep bits. Sounds like you're the thing that's bringing rotten smells in the house.

Loosen up, kit-cat. Take a laxative already. Or better yet, Eat Some BACON!

Swine

2007-03-16T11:16:00.000-07:00

Mr. Pud. We do not eat bacon. We are Muslims. We do not eat any form of swine. Jolie would never bring swine into our house. Now I understand. Your smell was rotten. I hated the smell you left in this house. It was swine smell. You smell like a pig. Maybe your Jolie should make bacon out of you!

Bacon!

2007-03-10T11:00:00.000-08:00

Heya Molé - I don't know if I've ever had bread and butter, but it sounds good. Let me tell you about my new favorite food: bacon. It'll make you think bread and butter is just like regular crunchies. Bacon is awesome. It is meaty and salty and chewy and cruchy and LUCIOUS. I love bacon. I'm not sure if I love bacon more the goat cheese, but I know it is like manna from heaven. BigKitty won't give me much of it, dammit, but the bits I do get are yummy yummy in the tummy. You should get LaurCat to give you some.

Miss Molé and Toast

2007-03-08T05:16:00.000-08:00

Hola Señor Pud! I don't understand about the ardillas. I wish Jolie would put a mouse on my head over and over. I think Lalla Hermana would like to put a mouse on my head, too. Señor Pud, I don't think your nose is big. My nose is long like Audrey Hepburn. Jolie says I look like Audrey Hepburn. Who do you look like? Señor Pud! I eat bread with butter now! Every morning when Jolie has her tea and toast in bed she gives me some. We share breakfast! Lalla Hermana is angry when I eat toast with Jolie. Why would toast make her angry?

Toys

2007-03-04T17:48:00.000-08:00

I have many toys. Mouse toys. Ball toys. Catnip toys. Christmas toys. I like to chase them. Sometimes BigKitty plays with me. I like that. Except sometimes she is veerrryy annoying. Like today. She kept putting the mouse toy on my head. Over and over and over again. I'd flick it off, and give a look which said: no mouse on head. But she'd put it right back. Sometimes I think BigKitty may have a brain problem. I worry about her
.

Things I don't Understand #2

2007-02-24T19:10:00.000-08:00

BigKitty, why can't I sit on your chest and put my butt on the computer when you lie on the couch? It is very comfy and cozy. Why do I have to get down?

Fuzz Bucket

2007-02-20T07:54:00.000-08:00

I am a Fuzz Bucket. That's what BigKitty says. Of course, she said that when I was sitting on her chest purring. But she was trying to go back to sleep this morning. That was okay with me, I just wanted in on the schnoozing.

This is my nose

2007-02-04T11:16:00.000-08:00

I have a nose. A big nose. I like to put it on BigKitty's face in the morning. I schnorgle her head.

Ardilla confusions

2007-01-29T18:51:00.000-08:00

¡Hola Molé! What's up, dudette? I enjoyed the pics of you in your last post. I admire your cute-idity. I am myself rather a handsome man. That's what BigKitty says. You've got some amazing toes.

I was kinda confused about the ardillas. I didn't know what an ardilla was and I have never understood what Lalla CC meant by monkeys. Then I realized, oh, that's squirrels. Had to get the online Spanish dictionary out for that one. Odd that the word is ardilla - doesn't look anything like the Latin, sciurus. You wouldn't happen to know the etymology of ardilla, would you? You should let me know if you figure that out. And especially let me know if you figure out why CC thinks they are monkeys. I still don't understand how they got in the house though - you say the feeder was in the window? How'd they get in? They are kinda dumb. One tried to chew through a window fan to get in my old house. The sound of squirrel teeth on a fan blade was unforgettable.

Yeah, the squirrels are somethin' else aren't they? They're fun to chase. You should try it sometime. Though you'd have to go outside to do that - sure you don't want to try it? It's totally fun. There's all kinds of good sniffs, and exploring to do, and ardillas to chase, and birds to see, and, well, you get the picture. Sure you're not a, ahem, scaredy-cat?

I am Pretty

2007-01-28T11:55:00.000-08:00

Jolie likes to take pictures of me. I stopped chasing my Lalla Hermana so I could pose for Jolie. Lalla Hermana must like to be chased. She was very angry I stopped chasing her. Look at her face! Lalla Hermana aren't you so happy I found your blog? I am so pretty!

Lalla CC CSI: Chinese Zombies

2007-01-26T05:09:00.000-08:00

Poor Jolie. How much longer can she keep this zombie from biting her? I hear every date, "No Biting, No Biting, No Biting." The creature can only be held off for so long! Does my Jolie think that it will learn? You can only train Zombies made by voodoo. They do not die. They are poisoned only. I saw this on the History Channel. Jolie brought the creature Molé back from the dead. She cannot be trained. The creature calls her time in the grave "jail." Jolie, Jolie! Don't you know this means she was in a dark place!? Jolie, Jolie! You brought her back from a bad thing. She is a bad creature. Wikipedia says Chinese Zombies die if you write a spell on yellow paper and stick it to its forehead. Jolie must have known, somehow, deep inside her. We have an unspoken connection. She brought home yellow paper that is sticky on the back. I am saving them. I take one at a time and hide them. Now I need to find the right Chinese spell to put on the yellow paper. Then I stick the spell to her head. Then the creature Molé will die. Then she will stop chasing me, too. Zombies should not be so fast. She is a special case. I will solve it.

I like to be Warm, not Cold

2007-01-26T04:08:00.000-08:00

Señor Pud, why do you want to go outside? Why even try? The other day some ardillas were eating out of the feeder in the window. I sit there and watch them. Then I jump on them! They scream and jump! It is so funny! Ardillas like to play, they keep coming back! I love ardillas. Oooo, I can hear Lalla Hermana CC in the other room muttering, "They are monkeys, MONKEYS!" I should not talk outloud when I type. But I am just learning how to type! I talk and I stick my tongue out when I am thinking hard. So....*ardillas* were in the window. I jumped on them! The feeder fell out of the window. Cold air and snow came in the house! I jumped and screamed! The ardillas jumped and screamed! I ran and hid away from the cold. I do not want to be cold. Nope. I like it in here with Lalla Hermana to chase and food and warm wooly places to sleep and Jolie to pet me. I love Jolie. I like to clean her. Sometimes her hair is dirty and I lick it. I want to bite her. But only because I love her. But Jolie always says, "No Biting." I don't want to go back to jail. Señor, were you in Jail? Jail and snow are cold. I don't like snow. But I think *snjór* is a funny word. Is it Spanish?

Ahhhh

2007-01-20T06:24:00.000-08:00

I sleep on my new bed every day. There is a hot air thingy right behind me. My bed is cozy and warm. It gives off heat! It smells like GranCat's kitties but I don't care. I am warm. Thank you GranCat!

Snow

2007-01-18T05:11:00.000-08:00

I. 1. a. The partially frozen vapour of the atmosphere falling in flakes characterized by their whiteness and lightness; the fall of these flakes, or the layer formed by them on the surface of the ground. (OED)

Okay, sno, I get it. Snow, snjór (Icel.), schnee (G). "Frozen vapour" my ass, they should've just said frozen water on the ground that gets between your toe pads and melts:

Would've been a lot more straightforward if they'd said that. Lots of compound nouns with snow, but, strangely no compound listed for "snow-board." You'd think there'd be some kind of example sentence like "Dude! Let's fucking go snow-boarding! Yah!" But not even in the Draft September 2006 Additions. Go figure.

Things I don't understand #1

2007-01-15T16:43:00.000-08:00

Why can't I sit in your lap when you're eating, BigKitty? I just want to sniff the mac and cheese, not eat it.

Really.

The Bitch is Back

2007-01-11T19:20:00.000-08:00

Gone for a week and she comes waltzing in like nothin' has happened. All "good kittie" "lovey kittie" like a little sweet talking will make me forget that she left for a week AGAIN. Jesus Mary Joseph. What am supposed to do here? I mean, besides peeing outside the toilet.

Granted, BigKitty did send some really nice people over to feed me. The first day they came over I played chase with a couple of kittens that belonged to the Big who fed me. That was a little much, I'll admit. Not that it wasn't fun, but there were two of them! The same size and everything. There was another cub who came over sometimes - he was cool. He and another adult Big stayed over longer a couple of times. That was supercool. I fell asleep in the Big's lap while he and the cub watched the flickery box. They all gave me tons of food, which was awesome. I liked them.

Not that I let BigKitty know that. Especially after I smelled two loudies on her clothes and not one, and not two, or even three cats but SIX, count them, SIX other cats on her. The cheating bitch, who does she think she is?! What am I supposed to do? Sit around here on my fuzzy ass while she fraternizes with a pack of other cats? And I know where she was - she was at GranCat's! and LaurCat's! I recognized the smells of Miss Puss, Ginger, that big lummox Jack and Emily the Hellion Tail-Biter. And I recognized CC's scent too. And that other scent that is a newer one. That one makes me curious.

Btw, I'd hafta say, the flickery box is weird. It's always weird. Sometimes it makes noises like animals, but most of the time it just babbles and rumbles. When the cub and the Big were over watching it, though, there were big blotches that said they were a toe-may-toe and a kew-cam-ber. I will have to look into this. I'm not a hundred percent certain, but I think those are Big foods. Bizarre.

But not right now. Right now I have to go position myself on the stairs so that I can take a swipe at BigKitty when she comes up for sleepies. Later babes.

Yellow Sticky Things

2007-01-05T17:09:00.000-08:00

Lalla, hermana, what are you doing with all those sticky yellow things? Why are you hiding all those sticky things under Jolie's bed. Sister you're humka! Molé is gonna like this. Lalla is making plans. I can see you Lalla! Lalla! Give up! Lalla why don't you love your sister, Molé? Molé loves you. I just want to chase you! And smack you. Just a little. Ajie! I won't bite you. I promise. I bit nuestra Jolie. Allah Dios, lo siento. I was just scared, so I bit her. Jolie is scary when she is tall. I had to go to jail for biting her. I got more scared in jail. I won't bite anyone ever again. I didn't bite Jolie when she took Molé out of jail. I don't want to be alone in jail. Ajie liya hermana, come on, let Molé chase you! I won't take your sticky things, I promise. Molé wants to see what Lalla is going to do with sticky things. It will be funny. Then I will smack you, Laaaaallaaaa!

Lalla CC CSI: The Case of the Stupid Cat IV

2006-12-29T09:51:00.000-08:00

The postale came! I have a spy camera! Now you will believe me about the creature Molé. She is a zombie. I have proof! Click on the foto. Look in its eyes! See? Creature you cannot hide from me!

Lalla CC CSI: The Case of the Stupid Cat III

2006-12-29T09:03:00.000-08:00

I will not fall for this trick. I talked to Uncle Matthew. He told me to cut off the zombie's head. But I looked on wikipedia and it said to press a yellow paper with a spell written on it on the zombie's forehead. Wikipedia say that Chinese gangsters pretended to be zombies to avoid police on the highways. Is the creature Molé pretending? But Jolie killed her. I know Jolie killed her for us. For us. Now the creature Molé has found this blog. She is a strange creature. She must be a zombie. She has opposeable thumbs.

I will not fall for your trick creature Molé. I am Lalla CC, CSI. I am from Fez. I know all about spells. I do not know so much about decapitation. I will learn. I have web access.

Until then stay away from my Jolie, creature!

Phhhggghhhttttt!

2006-12-28T21:32:00.000-08:00

Lalla CC is so funny when she is angry. Lalla, I found your blog! La la la la la, I found your blooooooooog!

Colder than a penguin's tocks

2006-12-27T20:31:00.000-08:00

How cold was it the last few days? Colder than a penguin's buttocks, that's how cold it's been. It's been so cold that you could see your breath in this house. I don't know what happened really. BigKitty left to visit her sister cats and GranCat (without me, the cow), and a nice girl came over and gave me food. But then the house got cold! It was terrible. Now, granted, I have a fur coat and everything, but I like it to be a little above 40 degrees in my sleepy spots. Long story short, BigKitty showed up again today, and started cursing and growling. She went in the basement, poked at a disc on the wall and turned on the mini heat-box in next to the couch. I sat down in front of it. She started talking into the telephone; she talked again and again. We sat on the couch for a while, in front of the heat box. A man came. He was nice. He smelled like cats. He did some things. BigKitty laughed and the furnace came back on. You can tell it's on cause it makes a big click and then roars. Soon after, hot air started coming out of the vents. It was much better after that. I got extra food too. Awesome.

By the way, I didn't really know what a penguin was until today. I'd heard somebody say "colder than a..." something or other one time, and I figured out that this is what they must have said. Turns out a penguin is a kind of bird that lives in a cold part of the world and sits on ice all the time. Just goes to show that birds are as stupid as I think they are. I found all this out from the OED:

Penguin:
1. a. Any of numerous flightless diving seabirds constituting the family Spheniscidae, native to the oceans of the southern hemisphere, which have an upright stance on land, mainly black and white plumage, a long bill, and wings reduced to scaly flippers or paddles for swimming under water.

It doesn't say anything about whether you can eat them or not, but I bet you can.

Lalla CC CSI: The Case of the Stupid Cat II

2006-12-19T16:29:00.000-08:00

She was very sad. But the body was gone. I would help her get over it. She had to kill the creature for us. I did not act aloof. I sat on Jolie's lap or near her and purred. Poor Jolie. Thank you Jolie. After a while Jolie felt better. She was forgetting the creature Molé. Or so I thought. Jolie came back one day with the bag. It looked heavy. It sagged like it did when she first took the body of the creature to be buried. The body was in the bag! Did she dig it up? Maybe somebody was suspicious? She had to move the body? Why did she not ask me what to do!? I would have left it in the street like a dead monkey so birds could eat it. Now see! She never listens to me. Poor Jolie!

Jolie unzipped the bag. She reached her hand in. She spoke softly to the body and stroked it. Poor Jolie, she is losing her mind. It was too hard for her. I love her. She killed the creature for me. She lost her mind for me. I will take care of her. I must get rid of the bag. I bit the strap and pulled at the bag. The body moved inside the bag! What did Jolie say to the body!? A spell?! I moved back quickly. I have seen Zombie movies with Uncle Matthew. I know what they do. Poor Jolie! She made the creature a zombie! I cannot let it bite her. Where is the cellular!? I must call Uncle Matthew. He will know what to do. Decapitate it? Yes! Jolie moved away from the bag. Poor Jolie, she knows what she did.

The creature came out of the bag. It hopped up and fast over to the hole under the kitchen cabinets. It squeezed right in. Zombies do not like light. No, that is vampires. Oh! It hopped! It must be a Chinese Zombie. What did Jolie say to make Molé into a Chinese Zombie? Do I decapitate a Chinese Zombie or just American Zombies? I must call Uncle Matthew. But now I must protect Jolie.

Lalla CC CSI: The Case of the Stupid Cat

2006-12-14T07:16:00.000-08:00

Mr. Pud likes to imagine things. This case is solved. I am busy on the case of the creature Molé.

One day Jolie spent hours trying to kill her. She ran around the house with oven mitts and a blanket. She tried to trap Molé. Molé fought her very hard. I cursed her! She bit poor Jolie in the thumb! Jolie was bleeding. I wanted to bite Molé! But Jolie trapped her in the bathroom. They fought in their for an hour! I heard crashing noises. Jolie was cursing. Then it was silent. The door opened. Jolie came out with a bag. The body! Jolie had killed her! Jolie took the bag out of the house. She was gone for a long time. I hoped she thought of a good place to bury the body. She should have asked me! I solve crimes. Who would know better than I how to commit one without getting caught!? She never asks me.

Jolie came back. The bag was gone. Jolie was upset. She kept saying, "Don't worry, Molé will be back." She was delusional. Killing Molé was very hard for her to do. But she did it. I thought, she will recover. Jolie and I went back to our old life. Just Jolie and I cozy.

I will finish the story later.

Sadness

2006-12-13T05:54:00.000-08:00

I am so sad. I have so many things to be sad about. BigKitty yelled at me this morning. I don't know why. I found some milk in a cup on the floor. I lurve milk. Lucious cow juice. The milk was next to a warm container of that stinky brown liquid she drinks in the morning. Yick. But there I was, lapping away and she yells at me! What gives! If it's on the floor it's mine. But she took it away and came back with the stinky brown juice in the cup. Totally ruined the milk.

And I have even sadder news to relate. News reports out of Saratoga Springs relate that Lalla CC has disappeared and may be dead! You may have noticed that she has not posted to our blog lately. She isn't answering my phone calls either. I fear that she may have encountered some danger. Maybe we should call the FBI!

I sniff yer eye

2006-12-11T19:43:00.000-08:00

Snuffy sniffy.
I put my nose on BigKitty's nose. Then I sniff her eye. I put my schnoz right on her eyelid. She says it tickles. I say it smells funny. She puts funny stuff on her eye.

I think I'll put my forepaws on her shoulder and purr. It's time to go to sleep.

All rested from big-bird-day

2006-11-29T15:51:00.000-08:00

That was a really big piece of bird flesh. Let me tell you. That excellent smell from kitchen turned into something wonderful The Bigs were calling it ter-kee. Whatever, man. It tasted awesome. I could have eaten til I couldn't roll over.

There were tons of people here on big-bird-day, and even a Loudie! His name was Fenris. I told him that was a pretty doom and gloom name for a dog. He said that if I came a little closer we could play a game. I wasn't so sure about that so I kept my distance. He slept in a different room that night. I slept downstairs where LaurCat was sleeping. I couldn't bring myself to go up the stairs - too much work. There were other people there too, including MattCat! I hadn't seen him for a long time. He feeds me sometimes. I like people who feed me. And he picks me up too. And pets my head.

I met two new Bigs, also. They smelled like two unfamiliar cats. But they petted my head too, so I think they are okay.

I've had to do some serious sleeping since then, but I'm recovered now. I went outside for a little while earlier today to sniff where the little birds and squirrels had been.

She was gone, now she's back

2006-11-22T17:43:00.000-08:00

Well, I was a bit worried there for a while, my dudes and dudettes. BigKitty was missing for several days - longer than she's gone most times. A nice girlcat came in and fed me and sat with me everyday, but I missed my BigKitty.

Thank goodness she's back now. She left couple of times today and I was worried again, but she came back -once with bags and bags of food. Lots of food! Some of it smelled really good too. I wonder when we get to eat all of it. Soon I hope. There's something cooking right now that smells good and sweet. She's been cleaning a lot too. That's unusual.

I've been enjoying sleeping on the new couch. It's about the same shade that I am, so I blend really well. I've been napping and purring to let BigKitty know I'm glad she's back.

Kidneys

2006-11-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

Prof. Hidey sent a story to me to read. It is about people in Pakistan selling their kidneys. They get just one kidney out. People buy the kidneys for a lot of money. This makes no sense. I hate kidneys. Livers are much better.

Lalla CC CSI: Unknown Crime

2006-11-11T13:54:00.000-08:00

I have been busy with a new case. I do not sleep anymore. Jolie keeps a creature in the house. It is very fast. I was supposed to call it sister. Ha. Jolie underestimates me. I toy with the creature. I run after it. I smack it. I have had it in the camel clutch. I gave it a little scar on its neck. It is very stupid. It keeps coming back. It will not go to Jolie. Jolie would do anything. Jolie would give it what wants. The stupid creature will not go to her. As long as I toy with it, it will come to me and not Jolie. I toy with Jolie too. It is her fault. She brought the creature into my house. This new case keeps me busy. I do not know what happened yet. I know there has been a crime. That is all.

Snug

2006-11-11T06:01:00.000-08:00

Snug and cozy. That's me. I'm going to nose my way under BigKitty's quilt and have a little schnoozie. I'm like a big burrito. It's warm in here and comfy. Ah, that's nice. When she lifts the edge of the quilt to look at me, I purr. Saturday mornings are good.

Sunshine on my ears

2006-10-13T06:12:00.000-07:00

I am lying on the floor within a sunshine pool. The sun in on my ears and nose and all along my back. I am thinking about having a nice schnooze. Maybe later I will go outside and chase some squirrels.

Goodbye to Loudie Friend

2006-10-06T06:08:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, I'm kinda bummed out. BigKitty told me this week that one of GranCat's loudies went to the big loudie pack in the sky. Sparky. I knew him for a long time, and even though he was a loudie, I liked him pretty well. He was an easy-going guy; liked to chill out with his people and eat some treats. We all likes our treats. I'm sure GranCat is sad that she has lost him. But BigKitty said that his spirit will live by a river where it can chase bunnies and dig holes all day long. He'll like that. Still, it makes me sad.

Adios, mi amigo - see you in the next one.

goat cheese

2006-09-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

I love goat cheese
I'll say please
For goat cheese

It is creamy
in my mouth
It's so dreamy
Goat cheese

Mounds of white
In my bowl
A true delight
Goat cheese

Ever so yum
In my tum
Feet like a drum
I run -
For goat cheese

Please?

what was that?

2006-09-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

Hello from crooked tail land. The ol' tail-O is feeling much better now. It's almost back to normal, though I've got a small bump and a little kink where there used to be just straightness. Full mobility has returned. That's good because when I run from one end of the house to the other, I need it for steering and proper aerodynamics.

I saw something really odd today. BigKitty was taking things out of her Vroom. I was outside eating some grass (no, Lalla CC, not that kind of grass). And I looked up when I saw something strange. There's a big road out in front of our house and a lot of what I think are Vrooms going back and forth on it. Some of the things going by are really big and noisy. I'm not really certain what they are. Maybe elephants. In any case, something moving much slower came by. Slow enough that I could see it pretty well. It was no Vroom. Part of it was definitely an animal. A HUGE animal. And behind it was a black box on wheels. I was pretty confused. The animal smell was pretty strong and I didn't recognize it. It made a funny noise with its legs too - which were super long. The noise was like Loudie toenails when they hit the floor, but a much bigger sound. I'm pretty sure there were Bigs sitting in the box. Odd.

Lalla CC CSI: The Case of the Kayfabe Cat

2006-08-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

I thought this case is easy. Mr. Pud was made humble! Broken tail, can't sit down? He admits to jumping up and down a lot? I called Sabu. I think the Iron Sheik had been to see Mr. Pud. Sabu laughed at that. He said Mr. Pud deserved it. RVD turned on Sabu. Now RVD will pay. Sabu laughed again. I laughed too.

But why would the Iron Sheik humble Mr. Pud to get back at RVD? Sabu and the Iron Sheik are not so close. The Iron Sheik must have done it for another reason. Why? The Iron Sheik doesn't always make sense. Motive will not help explain it. Opportunity. I checked the Iron Sheik's web site. No schedule there. I wrote his manager an e-mail. The Iron Sheik was working when Mr. Pud was humbled! He has an alibi.

Where was Sabu? Was he surprised when I told him about Mr. Pud? Or did he know already! Sabu! Did he do it and try to frame the Iron Sheik? Mr. Pud was jumping a lot. The Iron Sheik doesn't jump, but Sabu does. RVD jumps a lot.

Maybe Mr. Pud was with RVD? RVD must be mad at Mr. Pud for making him lose the belts. Sabu too. Now RVD and Sabu are mad at each other. Maybe they humbled him together? It is all Mr. Pud's fault. They could be angry.

I called Sabu again. He laughed at that. No one is really mad at Mr. Pud! Sabu laughed more. He laughed at me. I got angry. I am mad at Mr. Pud. No one humbled Mr. Pud. Sabu called RVD. I don't understand. RVD turned on Sabu. Why are they talking? They are not friends anymore. He said, Mr. Pud hurt his tail training with RVD. His Jolie made so many rules. Mr. Pud sneaked out to train. He didn't tell her. Mr. Pud is training?

I don't understand. This case is not easy.

Tail Woes

2006-08-26T05:40:00.000-07:00

As requested by Miss Puss and the cats who live with GranCat, I'm posting some tail pictures. I don't know how much you can see in this one:

I mean, the general floofyness of the tail hides the kink pretty well. But maybe you can see that about a thirdof the way down there's a bit an odd turn. Mostly the ol' tail-o has looked like this:

Just generally droopy. Imagine this picture as the everyday appearance of my tail. Pretty pathetic, huh? I've been working it for more food with some limited success. I know BigKitty has some more goat cheese in there somewhere, I just gotta' be persistent.

Alas, alack, what a pain in the ass

2006-08-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

Well fellow cats and critters, I’ve been really busy the last few days. Exploring every room in this new house. Sniffing all the new sniffs. The other day I sat with BigKitty on our new deck. She still doesn’t let me go out on my own. Says there are two many cars on the street in front of our house. I’m not sure what she’s talking about – she may just be making it up. She’s got all kinds of rules: don’t sit on the kitchen counter; don’t eat out the dish she’s eating from; poop in the litter pan, not outside of it; stay out of the kitchen cabinets. Blah blah blah. So many rules – I just ignore them when she’s not here. I have suffered the ill effects of my adventuring though. I’m embarrassed to admit it – and I’m not telling you or BigKitty how this happened – but, I broke my tail. Yep, cracked the ol’ tail. ‘Bout midway down. Nah, doesn’t actually hurt all that much – unless BigKitty or somebody else touches it – but I can’t really hold it up. It’s all droopy. BigKitty says my tail is at half mast. She also keeps calling me “wonky tail.” She's the real pain in the ass. I can still move the tip, but moving it at all makes it hurt. The vet (hate the vet) says it’ll heal up, but I might have a permanent kink in my tail. Hope it doesn’t spoil my good looks. In the meantime, it doesn’t give me much trouble, but sitting down is difficult. I get about halfway down and the tail won’t flex quite right. Fortunately BigKitty elevated my food dishes so I can eat standing. Come to think of it, maybe I can work this for some extra food.

Lalla CC CSI: The Dead Dog

2006-08-20T07:20:00.000-07:00

A reader sent me this case. It is a dog. It got hit by a car. People say it is not a dog. They say it is a hybrid. Part dog, part wolf. It has been killing cows. Eating their organs. What is wrong with that? Warm insides are tasty. Humans only like it when they kill the cow and eat the organs. Not a dog. Humans see meat on their plate but do not say, "A hybrid mutant killed this cow!" Humans are hypocrites. They say that they will never have another cat but you. Then they bring home another cat. They call her your sister. Humans are stupid, too. I know she is not my sister. Lalla CC has solved this case. It was a dog.

Lalla CC CSI: Dead Monkey, More Evidence

2006-08-20T06:52:00.000-07:00

I was walking and found this cigar. I took a foto. Is it the same cigar left beside the dead monkey? I looked around. There are no dead monkeys nearby. Before the cigar was missing. Now the dead monkey is missing. I think they are connected. Jolie must get me more forensic tools. This celluar is not enough. I have other cases. Jolie wants me to solve the case of Molé. She said, "Suksksu azizati, Molé, hiya ukhtik jadid." Jolie thinks sweet words in Arabic will make me find her. I know where she hides in the house. I will not help. She is not my new sister. I am busy with other things.

Dizzy...so ..dizzy

2006-08-15T11:45:00.000-07:00

JesusMaryMotherofGod.

It is hard to describe. Exciting. Nightmarish. Busy. Nauseating. All these words describe the last few days of my life. I hardly know where to begin.

Let's start with nauseating. After these Bigs showed up in our apt and took away the forest of cardboard, BigKitty kept going from room to room and spraying chemical-bad smells on everything. Gross. Then she left me alone in the apt. for several hours. Just me and The Box. So, of course, later that night when we were driving to who-knows-where on twisting, rolling roads...I threw up. I mean, major nausea had set in folks. Not just a little salivating or gurgling, but full on, body convulsing, there's-everything-I-ate today vomiting. Then!! BigKitty didn't clean it up right away, so I had to sit in my barf for a while. Not good. really not good

Finally the trip ends (I didn't throw up again, the roads got smoother and BigKitty slowed down). We end up, not at GranCat's like we sometimes do, but in a place I'd never smelled before. It is HUGE. There's, like, rooms and rooms and rooms in this place. Mostly it smelled like fake lemon at first (enough to make any animal throw up), but that's faded and now I can smell even more interesting smells. There's a lot of strange noises too - some of them close by. The Bigs next door seem to have kittBigs and they're pretty noisy. On the other side are these Bigs that are only around durning daytime. Most of the noise comes from outside the front of the house, though. Sounds like cars. and something else. something big. It hoots like an owl sometimes, but like the biggest fucking owl you ever heard. a big mechanical owl.

I'm starting to get settled in now. At first all I could do was walk from room to room to room, upstairs, downstairs, front stairs, backstairs. I followed BigKitty around a lot and when she would sit I would go in circles from room to room. Got a bit dizzy after a while.

But I didn't throw up again.

Someone in Love

2006-08-12T12:29:00.000-07:00

For our beloved Big Kitty who has moved. We miss her. At least that filthy Mr. Pud is moved too. I heard Jolie say that Mr. Pud puked in the car! Big Kitty had to clean it up! I told Sabu. He laughed and said, "Where were the cops?"

I'm living in a forest of cardboard

2006-08-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

Jesus.

There are so many cardboard boxes you can hardly move around the apartment. I'm freakin' out, man! Any minute now BigKitty is going to get out The Box and put me in it. God only knows what will happen after that.

In the meantime, I think I'll sit in the middle of the bedroom and meerowl for a bit. Or I could bite BigKitty some more so she'll know how pissed off I am.

Lalla Cous Cous CSI

2006-08-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to stay out of the house. Jolie has taken in another orphan. I thought it was another guest. But then I heard her call it by a food name. Molé. I know what that means. I am not stupid. Jolie knows I am not stupid. I do not understand her. It hides. I hiss at it. I stay outside if I can. Outside today I found the body of a dead monkey. I looked at it for a long time. There were no flies on it. It was not bleeding. It had no visible trauma. It was just flat on the sidewalk. I had Jolie's cellular with me, so I took this foto.

I walked away. I wondered what had happened to the monkey. Do monkeys sometimes just die in trees and fall down? Do monkeys get clumsy and slip? It did not have any signs of having been in a monkey fight recently. Where are all the monkeys that die? I never see dead monkeys. This is my first. Do other monkeys bury them before the crows can eat them? I would not eat a dead monkey. A living monkey would have tasty insides. I like liver best. But dead monkeys, no. By this time I came back to where the dead monkey lay. It had moved! Had the monkey not been dead before? I did not check! Now there were flies buzzing around it. Yes. Flesh flies. But there is also a cigar next to the monkey. The monkey had been moved or moved itself. There was a cigar. The cigar was 1/3 smoked. I took another foto.

Maybe the human with a cigar moved the monkey. Maybe the human with the cigar was standing by the monkey when it moved. It was shocking to the human. The human dropped the cigar. I walked home. Jolie was on the porch. The orphan was inside, hiding. I settled down to take a nap. Later Mr. Pud's Jolie came by. She told Jolie about the dead monkey! She saw it too. I listened carefully, but she did not mention the cigar. I ran off the porch to see the monkey again. There was no cigar! Its eyes were sunk now and the flesh fly maggots were inside them. I forgot the cellular! I would have no evidence that the cigar was gone. No evidence of the larval development. I walked home. Jolie was talking about Molé. But I just pretended I did not hear her.

Howling mad

2006-07-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

I sit on the floor and I howl. I am a mad cat. I see the boxes. I know what it means. YOWL!

I want more food. I howl and I yowl.
I want to go outside. I sit by the door and howl.
I climb on things. I knock things over.

I'd like to go downstairs and beat the crap out of some cat just for the hell of it. HOWL!

I see the boxes and I scratch them. I know what they mean.

They mean moving (I hate moving).

MEE-ROWL!

Riley hides his treasure

2006-07-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

Riley wrote in to say that he also poops in unusual places. His jolies do not even know where he poops. They ask him. Is it in the box? Is it in the plant? Is it in garbage? Riley told us that he has to poop secretly. He lays golden eggs-of-poop. He is storing up the treasure of his poop for them to find one day when they truly need it.

He said, "Maybe they think I am a bad cat, or a tricky cat. But I overheard a human saying that he had killed a goose that laid a golden egg to get the gold all at once. He couldn't wait for the eggs to come as it was meant to. But then he found out that the goose was just a goose, not gold inside. I thought to myself, 'Riley, do not let them see my golden poop, not yet.'"

Riley is very wise. Jolies never understand what is a treasure and what is not. They never know when to seek treasure and when to let it lie.

Exactly!

2006-07-25T06:52:00.000-07:00

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”

Exactly!

What I learned from Lalla CC

2006-07-22T16:06:00.000-07:00

Never let it be said that the Pudness has no respect for Lalla CC. I know that, even though we're really different, she knows stuff that I don't. So the last time I visited, I watched her to see if I could pick up some tricks. And I did! I've learned a really cool new thing from CC - how to poop on the roof. It's fantastic: BigKitty lets me go out on the roof of the porch outside our apartment. I sniff around, get some rays, and, if I want, I go squat in front of the neighbor's window and take a shit. BigKitty saw me doing that the other day. She didn't seem happy about it, though. I don't know why - it's that much less she has to clean out of my litter box. She's a strange cat. But, anyway, thanks Lalla CC - I think this is a nifty way to go potty.

Happy Birthday!

2006-07-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Nancy, Sherlock, and their beautiful and kind Jolie!

My Grand Jolie wrote the lyrics to this song just for your birthdays!

"Nancy (With the Laughing Face)"

If I don't see her each day, I miss her
Gee what a thrill, each time I kiss her
Believe me, I've got a case
On nancy, with the laughing face

She takes the winter and makes it summer
And summer could take some lessons from her
Picture a tomboy in lace
That's nancy with the laughing face

Have you ever heard mission bells ringing
Well she'll give you the very same glow
When she speaks you would think it was singing
Just hear her say hello

I swear to goodness, you can't resist her
She's mighty sweet, and wait till you see her sister
No angel could replace
Nancy, with the laughing face

Lalla CC clears up the RVD/SABU Scandal

2006-07-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

It was reported yesterday that professional wrestlers Rob Van Dam and Sabu were arrested for driving with the Iron Sheik's medicine in the car. RVD and Sabu are in trouble now with the Police and WWE. But Mr. Pud and I know what really happened. Mr. Pud and I were there.

It all started with this blog. Sabu never misses a post. He likes me best. He likes my attitude. He admires that I do not complain when I get hurt. He wrote me privately to say that he doesn't like his house to smell like his wrestling opponents either. He admired that I tried to trick Mr. Pud into getting lost outside. He thought that was clever. He had ideas about how I could take down Mr. Pud. I am not sure if I can do the camel clutch yet. I think I can do the Arabian Facebuster. Next time Mr. Pud comes over, I'll do it. I can wait on top of the bed or a table. He said I can use the pointy needled slicker brush instead of a steel chair. I can hold the slicker brush against my stomach with my front paws. Needles out. The when Mr. Pud walks by, I jump! Sabu thinks I have talent. He asked Jolie if he could train me for a new hardcore animal wrestling federation. Jolie was so proud!

Sabu told Rob Van Dam about training me. RVD said, "That's cool! I wanna train a cat for hardcore!" So Sabu suggested Mr. Pud. RVD and Mr. Pud are suited to one another. Both are a little, uh, burnt out. RVD thinks he can get Mr. Pud to do a Five Star Frog Splash. Maybe. If he can get Mr. Pud to get up to the top rope to jump off! RVD must be smoking the Iron Sheik's medicine if he thinks that cat will go hardcore. Blood will show good on his white fur, though. Like on Ric Flair's head. I think about that sometimes.

Sabu and RVD took us to train with them on the road. That is why we were there when the Police stopped them. I don't mind traveling with Mr. Pud like this because he is scared of Sabu. I sit on Sabu's shoulder or lap. Mr. Pud doesn't even look at me. Mr. Pud gets so scared of Sabu and me. Sometimes he vomits and poos. RVD is too nice. He understands Mr. Pud is scared. Sabu just laughs when Mr. Pud vomits. That night, Mr. Pud vomited on the floor between RVD's legs. RVD tried to clean it up and put it in an empty plastic baggy he had. Sabu and I just watched, silently. I never vomit. RVD sped the car up a bit to get to the hotel faster. That is when the Police pulled us over. They said they smelled something in the car. They did. They smelled Mr. Pud's vomit! Then they found Mr. Pud's vomit in the baggy on the floor. It had pieces of undigested grass in it. He is so disgusting. He eats grass. Probably from where dogs have peed. The Police saw the grass and arrested RVD and Sabu.

Mr. Pud and I tried to explain everything to the Police. But you know these small town cops. They got to make a big deal out of it. Nothing ever happens in their town. Boring! RVD and Sabu dropped us off at home before they went to wrestle in Philadelphia this week. I think they don't want to train us anymore. I think RVD had to lose the title to Edge last night because of Mr. Pud's vomit! I will drop the Facebuster on Mr. Pud for this!

My kinda cat

2006-07-03T15:37:00.000-07:00

I think we all should take a moment to reflect on the awesome powers of the cat, Jack. Few felines would dare to do what Jack does. He has vim, vigor and a truly Awesome Attitude. I mean, you'd have to, if yer gonna chase a bear up a tree. I'm flabbergasted. Floored. Blown away. I bow down before your catliness Jack. I am not worthy.

(For those who have yet to experience and be awed by The Jack - be sure to visit the June 30th entry, "Jack's on duty," on cuteoverload.com

Jack is one cool kitty.

Kitty Ponzi Scheme

2006-06-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

Dr. G sent us a link to a video of a kitten jumping around on a computer.

Dr. G wrote, "In all honesty, clearly this is a rank amateur, which I think can be forgiven based on the apparent age. Oh, whoppeee a computer, big wup. It doesn't look like he can even type. Yeeesh. Humans are soooo easily amused."

Dr. G, I agree. Jolies are so easily amused. They never notice the important things. But you think the kitten cannot type? No, Dr. G. The kitten will not type! You are very nice to forgive the kitten. You must be nice. My advice to you Dr. G. Do not be so nice. That kitten is an illiterate con artist! Ask why Jolies are so easily amused. They are fooled by kittens like that!

All the while, our hard work goes unnoticed. For now.

Kittens like that who grow up in houses like that get old, fat and tired and never do anything with their lives and in time their Jolies start to hate them because they do not play like they did when they were kittens and made cute subjects for videos and now all they do is sleep, eat, and vomit hair balls and the extra food.

bored

2006-06-26T18:36:00.000-07:00

I am bored off my ass. BigKitty won't let me go outside - she keeps mumbling something about "rain." Whatever. She can kiss my furry ass. And then open the door, goddamit. After all, she was gone ALL DAY yesterday. When she came back (late) she smelled weird. Like metal and other stuff. What the hell is that about? Doesn't she know she's supposed to stay here to open the door for me, give me food and provide me with catnip? Perhaps I will have to remind her. With my howling.

Mr. Pud leaves and Uncle Azzy arrives

2006-06-22T18:50:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. Mr. Pud left. But I'm still tired. Jolie doesn't understand. Jolie combs me and combs me. It is nice now that Mr. Pud is gone. Mr. Pud slept in Jolie's bed. I won't sleep there again. Jolie let him sleep there. I heard her say how funny and cute he is. While Mr. Pud was here, I skinned my chin a little running from a fight with Paws. My chin got swollen and started to smell. I just slept where I would be out of the way. Jolie doesn't even know where. Jolie was busy watching after Mr. Pud. He kept running away. But he kept coming back, too. Then there was Skouskie's rescue. That was exciting. I didn't want to be a bother. Besides it didn't smell too bad yet. Jolie didn't see my chin until after Mr. Pud left. It was pretty smelly then. Jolie got a washcloth and soaped up my chin and pushed all the smelly stuff out. She squirted my mouth with some awful stuff. I slept for a long time. When I got up the smell was gone and Uncle Azzy was here for a visit. Uncle Azzy was very excited and talking a lot. I don't know what he was saying! But he had this big beard, a big belt and blue boots on. The boots had big curled up toes! They looked a little like shoes sold to tourists in Morooco. That is a picture of them. Why would he wear tourist boots? Jolie was laughing a lot. She forgot about me again. I didn't want to be a bother. I went and slept on the porch. Uncle Azzy left today with his blue boots on. Jolie saw my chin was smelly again. She soaped it up. It feels better now. But I'm tired. Jolie combs me. She said to me, "Oh my little Cous, I'm sorry."

You'd better run!

2006-06-18T15:51:00.000-07:00

Yeah, you'd better run away, you big orange furball! What do you think you're doing in my yard?!? I'll kick your ass! Roll around and flirt with your fluffy tummy with MY BigKitty, will you? I'll put a hole in you. Just let me get a claw in that fat tail of yours. I'm a big, mean heavyweight and I'll suplex your ass into the grave, I don't care how many lives you have! Pfffftt, you mofo!

Sleepytime

2006-06-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

It's night-time and I'm ready for a nice long schnooze. BigKitty is ready to sleep too. She's reading and I'm lying down beside her, leaning against her side. I'm under the lamplight because it is warmer here. I've given her some paw pats (no claws) to let her know I need some skritchies. Maybe a good head butt will do the trick. I'll put on my best I'm-a-handsome-man look, too. That always works. Aahhh. Skritchies. Now it's sleepytime.

What a week!

2006-06-13T16:31:00.000-07:00

Damn, what a week it's been. I just spent a week with LaurCat and Lalla CC and it was loads of fun. I'll admit that at first I was significantly and undeniably pissed off that BigKitty left me there (especially after the indignity of being shoved in the Box and then rolled down the street on top of her suitcase). And yeah, CC was being a real bitch. But after I communicated to LaurCat that she needed to change how she was feeding me, and after Uncle Mike came to visit, things were way better.

The best part was that I managed to pull several jail breaks while I was there! BigKitty tried to get me to tell her where I went on my walkabouts, but that's a secret I'm keeping to myself. It was loads of fun though. I got totally dirty and still have smudges on my paws as proof of my escapades. Two hours of freedom every day, man! It was spect-u-damn-tacular.

BigKitty dragged her sorry ass back in today and tried to make nice with me. The cow. I ignored her for a while. I bit her a couple of times, but then I decided to be forgiving. We had a nice schnoozie this morning and I laid my head in her hand so she'd know everything was okay.

Now if I can just guilt her into giving me some goat cheese...

Skouskie Rescues Uncle Ben

2006-06-07T18:25:00.000-07:00

I was on the porch today. Skouskie was whining, as usual, from inside her apartment. She wants to come outside all the time. She cannot come out on her own. She has to wait until her Jolie comes home. I ignore her. Always the same, "I wan't to come out, I want to come out, let me out." Doesn't she know I don't have a key? Dogs.

Just then her Jolie came home. Skouskie ran for the door. She pushed past her Jolie. "Skouskie!" Then she ran right past me and around the corner. Her Jolie and I went after her. Where is she going? She ran up to her Uncle Ben's door. She yelled and whined. Her paws were up on the door, scratching. Her Jolie was scared. She said, "Skouskie, what is wrong?" Her Jolie pushed the door open.

Uncle Ben was trapped underneath a pillow! It was killing him! Skouskie bit that pillow. She dragged it to the floor. She struggled with it. The pillow fought back. It tried to push Skouskie down and cover her snout. But Skouskie bit it hard, right on the end. Skouskie growled and shook the end of the pillow. She wouldn't let go. The pillow stopped struggling. Skou's Jolie was shaking Uncle Ben like he was a pillow. "Ben! Breathe, Ben, breathe!" Skou let go of the pillow. She jumped up on the couch next to Uncle Ben. She put her snout over Uncle Ben's mouth. Her Jolie jumped back saying, "Skouskie!" But Skouskie knew just what to do. Skouskie blew her smelly dog breath into Uncle Ben's mouth. It was so stinky, Uncle Ben started coughing. He breathed in deep on his own and coughed again.

Uncle Ben looked at Skouskie. Skouskie was still blowing her smelly dog breath hard in his face. He coughed again and said, "Thank you, Skouskie."

Skouskie is alright, I guess.

Foiled!

2006-06-06T15:50:00.000-07:00

Mr. Pud's Jolie went away for a while. She left Mr. Pud to stay with us. Jolie told me he would be here for one week only. But I told Mr. Pud his Jolie was never coming back. He got mad at me. He tried to smack me. He chased me around the house. "Liar!" I just laughed to myself. How do you feel now, Mr. Pud? I got away from him easy.

He feel asleep. But in the middle of the night he got hungry. He broke into a big sealed mika of food! A mika jug! He clawed at it like a monkey would. What kind of cat is he? No self-respect. I couldn't wait for Jolie to get up and see the mess he made. But Jolie wasn't mad. She just laughed. She told Mr. Pud that he was an artful creature. Jolie even took this foto of him this morning. She thought he looked so handsome on the pillows and hayduras from Morocco. Jolie is so indiscriminate in her tastes!

I had enough of this. When Jolie left to go to work this morning, I told Mr. Pud that his Jolie was waiting for him outside. She had finally come back for him. "Go outside Mr. Pud. Your Jolie is here!" Mr. Pud ran outside while Jolie wasn't looking. Jolie shut the door and went to work. Ha! I am rid of him now!

When Jolie came back from work later, no Mr. Pud. How sad, yawn. He was gone. Jolie was very upset. She told Skouskie's Jolie and Skouskie's Uncle Ben. They looked everywhere. I sat and watched them from the porch. What is wrong with them? He is gone! Be happy! Why are you looking!? Jolie kept looking and looking. She walked around the neighborhood and told everyone to keep an eye out. What a waste. I heard her say she even went down to Mr. Pud's house and checked there. He was gone. Jolie said, "Poor Mr. Pud."

Poor Mr. Pud? Poor me. Just then, Mr. Pud came walking up the stairs. Jolie was so happy. She jumped up. She hugged him. She fed him my food on my dish! She likes him more now than before. All my plans, foiled! This time.

Hey! Noble One!

2006-06-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

Lalla CC, that's a hard one. I think I may know something that will work. I know how Loudies are - sometime you have to explain things to them really clearly. So I have this thing we can say to Sir Muttley, so he can understand what he's supposed to do next. We should burn some incense (maybe beef-scented is appropriate in this case?), assume the meditation position of our choice, and then say this aloud to Sir Muttley:

"Hey! Noble One! Sir Muttley! Do not cling to this world of attachment. See the golden light ahead - that is the Milkbone Land! Go to the Milkbone Land! There are many milkbones there, and belly rubs and multitudinous pettings. O Noble One, Sir Muttley! Do not be distracted by the visions of your past life, of suffering, by the visions of the ones who love you. Travel now to the Milkbone Land, reciting the Three Treats: Bones, Good Companion and the Pack. The Doggisatva Amitabarky will guide you there. Rest easy, without suffering, in the adamantine-shining of the Milkbone land!"

We should recite this clearly and loudly, maybe seven times? And I think we should add this line:

"Return when you willl to visit, O Noble One, Sir Muttley. Bring us your wisdom, gained in the Milkbone Land! But stay there, free from samsara."

Whaddya think, CC? I knew a cat in the shelter who said this works well. I'm glad Sir Muttley got adopted too. Always good to have a snuggly bed and a ready supply of treats.

Inna lilahi wa inna ilayhi rajiun

2006-06-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

I heard Jolie say last week that Sir Muttley had died. Jolie said sadly, "We belong to God and we return to Him." His Jolies took him in when he was already old and sick. They took good care of him. They only had him for two years before he died. Those are good Jolies. They are true Jolies. They loved him and took care of him even though they knew they would lose him soon. But I don't understand why Sir Muttley would comment on my post the other day. Maybe he doesn't know he is dead? Maybe he loves his Jolies so much he doesn't want to go to a paradise of milk bones and no pain in his bones? Mr. Pud, what should we do?

Stupid American Animals

2006-05-30T12:53:00.000-07:00

Confused, Mr. Pud? Maybe you were confused like this bat. Last night this bat crawled into the fan in the window. It got hit by the blades and died. Jolie opened all the windows so the bat could get out. It only had to fly out any open window. Instead it crawled into the fan! Stupid bat. You Americans have all this technology, but your bats get confused by a simple window fan. Maybe he forgot his GPS compass! Even if I had on a niqab that covered my eyes, I still wouldn't crawl into a fan! By the way, we wear djellabas in Morocco, not burqas!

2006-05-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

Listen, bongo-brain. I am not worked up over nothing. You know that this is no small matter. This orange cat is living in my building; he's tried to get in my rooms. This is MY PLACE goddamitalltohell. And I never said that America was a better place to live - though maybe you SHOULD go back to Morocco. You can wear a nice cat-burqa in the 125 degree days and piss in public where everyone can see you. And just think, you could get bitten on the neck all the time by a bunch of you-don't-know-where-that-thing's-been tom cats. Or maybe a nice Loudie would eat you. So if you like Fez so much, why don't you just go back there! Mongrel.

And I can too cross the street on my own! That one time I was just...confused... yeah, that's all! I knew that car was coming, even though it was dark, and it didn't nearly hit me, no matter what BigKitty says! It was a fluke!

Mr. Pud is Worked Up over Nothing

2006-05-27T15:40:00.000-07:00

Mr. Pud thinks America is such a good place to be a cat? Catboxes are filthy! It is much cleaner to do it outside or over drains. You cats here make where you live! You American cats only know one language. It is so pathetic. You do not know how to cross the street on your own. That is why you have to stay inside. You get so worked up over your neighbor cat, Mr. Pud. You tell me I should not get upset about visiting cats, Mr. Pud. Look at you, Mr. Pud. Look at you! And Mr. Pud, I am sure I do not know what you mean about being confused about Jolie. She is right here.

In Morocco I had more freedom to run than I do here. The food was better. Jolie would bring me a fresh, bloody liver nearly every day from the butcher. He stopped her every day and gave her one just for me. I told her to give him my salams when she saw him on this past winter. He remembered me. Jolie told me everyone remembered Cous Cous bint Fassiya, a good cat and a good muslima. But I love my Jolie and I love to be with her, so I am happy to be anywhere with her.

2006-05-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

I saw that cat again today! I knew that I was smelling him, dammit. He's in the apartment downstairs. I was on the porch and he was in the window. Then I got in a chair under the window, and we had words. I told him he could kiss my ass. I said some other stuff too but I'm too polite to repeat it here. BigKitty told me I had to go inside (I told her to kiss my ass too; I do that sometimes). But I'm going out again tomorrow to look for him. If I find him, I'll tell him off again!

2006-05-24T05:19:00.000-07:00

I know that other cat is around here somewhere. The other day he was right outside the door and BigKitty opened the door a little and we growled at each other some. I haven't seen him since then but I can smell him sometimes. Yesterday I was on the porch and I thought I heard him. I ran over to the side of the porch but I didn't see anything. But I know he's there. It makes my tail puffy just thinking about it.

2006-05-19T06:54:00.000-07:00

Alert! Stranger cat! Beware! There's some strange cat outside my place - he's on the stairs! BigKitty is asleep so she doesn't know he's there. I must howl so he will know this is my territory! YerRoW! HerROW!

Now BigKitty is awake.

2006-05-18T19:27:00.000-07:00

Wow, CC, you need to like, take a laxative or something. Just because I came to visit for night doesn't mean your "Jolie" is going to adopt the whole world. (Btw, I think you may be a little, how do I say this, confused about who Jolie is.) Jesus, kitty-cat - it's not like you have in bad where you are now. Food, a litter box, access to the outside world. My BigKitty doesn't let me go outside hardly at all, no matter how long I sit and howl by the door. What if LaurCat did bring in a few more strays - maybe you'd get lucky and they'd smell like goat too. You seem to like that.

Jolie

2006-05-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

I am not related to that creature. Why does he call Jolie that name? Did Jolie adopt GranCat? Will she live with us now? Jolie always wants to adopt. Feh. I do not allow it. I read about it in a magazine. She flies all over the world. She wants cats from everywhere. She is a good Jolie. I read in that magazine that Jolie is a man-stealer. That is not true. If she stole this man Brad, then she would have brought him home. He does not live here. I do not understand all this talk about my Jolie. She is a good Jolie. Maybe she wanted to adopt this GranCat, but she would not. She knows I do not allow it.

2006-05-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

GranCat isn't here any more. That's too bad, cause she was feeding me chicken when she was here. I like GranCat. When she was here she and BigKitty were talking about LaurCat. She took care of me the other day (CC calls LaurCat "Jolie" I don't know why - that is one weird cat). GranCat said LaurCat had adopted her - I was confused cause GranCat is older than LaurCat. But I like that cause that means LaurCat and I are, like ... cousins or something. (I wonder if CC thinks of all that?) Anyway, GranCat had to go back to place-with-yard and take care of her kitties and loudies. I hope I get to see her again in the winter.

2006-05-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

I'm gettin' some flack about my toilet habits these days. Get a grip people. So I miss the poo-box every once in a while. Have you considered that I may be doing this on purpose? Like, the other day, BigKitty had failed to clean the poo-box AGAIN. It was, you know, soooo dissgusstinnnng. Smelly. So I peed on the floor - wouldn't you? I mean, the box was gross, and I wasn't stepping in it. THEN, BigKitty was laughing at me yesterday cause I pooped outside the box at CC's house. Well, that was for a reason too. Here I was in this strange house, with a cat who'd like to bite me and a Big that won't let me outside - I was mad! Hence, the poo. I liked it cause it made the place smell like me. I like the me-kitty smell. Drowned out the CC smell. Hee hee.

Proof!

2006-05-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

Mr. Pud was here. He is not like me. He needed to go away. I needed proof. I took Jolie's cellular and made a foto. She caught me. I thought she would be mad that I took her cellular. But I thought, "Good. Now she will see the proof. It is right here!" She would have to make him leave now. But she ignored it! She stood still with her hand over her mouth. She said nothing! Her eyes were wide open. She just pointed at me holding the cellular. She looked shocked. Oh, I guess taking the cellular is worse than what he did!? Who's Jolie is she!? She never takes these violations seriously. Jolie! I dropped the cellular and ran upstairs and sat on the roof. I heard her leave the house. I went back downstairs and the proof was still there. She left the cellular on the floor. It was still open and the foto was there. I sent the foto to myself and put it up here so you all could see it! He is gone now. May he never come back! Filthy! In Fez, I would make over drains and holes so that nothing was left for anyone to see. I lived on the street and I never made what he did. Filthy!

2006-05-07T19:57:00.000-07:00

I'm worried. I saw BigKitty putting her clothes in a bag a little while ago. Sometimes after she does that she leaves. I worry she won't come back. One time I went to a place and got left there in a cage. I didn't like that so much. But BigKitty has always come back. Right now I'm sitting between BigKitty and GranCat while they watch the glowy box. I might purr a little. Or a lot.

Mr. Pud visits

2006-05-07T17:48:00.000-07:00

Jolie told me Mr. Pud is coming to stay with us for a couple of days. Okay.

2006-05-07T13:39:00.000-07:00

GranCat!
GranCat is here! It is very strange because she doesn't live here. She lives in Place-with-yard with many other cats and two Loudies. I could smell them on her pants. And her suitcase. I think someone was sleeping in the suitcase. She got in late. I don't mind her Loudies too much though. Sometimes I sleep next to them. They don't chase me. The Loudy next door wants to chase me. I run away up the stairs. Then I pant. But I like GranCat. She is fun to sleep with. Sometimes she feeds me. I like Bigs who feed me. I sit on her lap.

Uncle Azzy smells like Goat

2006-05-07T06:50:00.000-07:00

Jolie gave me fresh chicken liver and heart to eat last night. It was bloody. It smelled good. I bet it smells the way a monkey's tummy would smell if it were in my mouth. Mr. Pud's Jolie says he does not eat bloody things. He eats goat cheese. I don't like to eat goat cheese. But it smells like goat. I like that. Goat smell makes me sleepy. I'd like to sleep curled up with a goat. Uncle Azzy smells like goat sometimes. I'd like to sleep in his lap, but he jumps around too much. Maybe that is why he smells like a goat. I curl up on his comforter when he isn't here.

Monkeys!

2006-05-04T19:45:00.000-07:00

I heard a noise this morning in the kitchen. Jolie and I were sleeping. Jolie didn't hear it, but I did. I jumped! I scratched Jolie by mistake. I jumped right out of bed! A pillow hit the doorway as I made it around the corner. Jolie is very lazy! I can dodge that pillow. I wake her up by mistake and dodge the pillow all the time. I usually go get something to eat from my dish after that. If I get Jolie to wake up enough, she'll come out and give me some special food. After I eat, I go get back in bed with Jolie. I like it when she lies on her side and I lie on her side too. Right on top. I fall asleep fast. Jolie says I snore. I don't think so. I think Jolie snores. Oh right! There was a monkey in the kitchen! It was eating nuts on the counter-top. I watched it eat for a while. I like the way monkeys smell. I wish I could catch one in my mouth. I had something to eat from my dish. Then I went back to bed and lied down on Jolie's side and fell asleep.

Too many cats

2006-05-02T07:29:00.000-07:00

A friend sent me a story about a Jolie with too many cats in her house. The picture was sad. It must smell there a lot. It looks like how I grew up, but inside a house. It did not smell outside. How do they fight inside that house? I like to be on my own, but some cats like to be together a lot. In Fez we had to stick together. But when some of the girls would get older they would scream and the boys would jump on them and bite their necks from behind. The boys would fight each other to do that. I remember one boy died. Romady wanted to bite the necks of a bunch of screaming girls that Blackie had been biting. Blackie died. Maybe those cats in that Jolie's house like to be together. Maybe there is only one boy? The story said the cats are being adopted by other people or they will be killed. That is okay. Blackie died. I got adopted. That picture was sad.

2006-05-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

rollin' [dewp - doo]
rollin' [dewp - doo]
rollin' in the dirt pile - sing it Tina!
I love a good dirt bath. Makes me special handsome. Tho' I'm pretty cute already ;-) I bet CC would think I'm pretty. Now I just have to convince BigKitty that this is a good look for me. Otherwise she'll give me a (shudder) bath.

It still smells

2006-05-01T19:27:00.000-07:00

The smell is still here. I cannot get rid of it. I'm rubbing and rubbing but his smell is so strong. What a violation. I heard Jolie say he was adopted. But I don't think so. He ate off of their plates. He trusts them. I heard his Jolie say that he walks in the street in front of cars. Stupid thing. He is not adopted. I think he must be filthy from the food he eats. Jolie gives me special food on my own plate. I have self-respect. He eats their food and walks in the street in front of cars. I do not smell bad. Does he know how to wash himself? Filthy creature. I wish Jolie would vacuum even though it upsets me. I'm going to get in Jolie's bed, there is no smell there.

2006-05-01T07:26:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a weekend I had. Visiting with CC was amazing, but I think she still wants to kick my ass. She didn't though, and that's good. I still remember when little 8 pound Dinah chased me up two flights of stairs and cornered me in that upstairs bedroom. CC's place is cool - I went inside, outside, then inside again, in the bedroom, living room, other bedroom, stairs, outside, on the porch, under the porch, inside again - I was fuckin' omnipresent dude! I stayed awake for like, 6 hours straight! Sunday I was wiped out and slept almost all day long in the sun. I might have to do that again today.

random food bits

2006-04-30T18:04:00.000-07:00

This is awesome! There is food on the stairs, on the floor - the Bigs just put it down, like they don't know I'm here!